His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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