ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
