Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Someone else needs to become the bad example in our group
But you wear shame so well
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
