Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
