I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I am naked and annoyed.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
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