I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
