why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize
