I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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