proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
