I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
