You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
