My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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