so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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