But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
