Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
