Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
