I wanna bring you to show and tell
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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