i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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