dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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