In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
