I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Girls should come with a carfax report
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
