Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
