I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
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