if you like me you must not know who I am
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
