maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
