I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
