I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
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