i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
Randomize
