What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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