I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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