I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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