God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
