I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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