mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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