I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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