turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Oh god it's open bar.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
