oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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