If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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