I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
