Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
