We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize
