I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
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