i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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