If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
