My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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