got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Randomize
