Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
