I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
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