Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
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