I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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